Dear Mama

Mother's Day. I knew I wanted to write something today. And of course, I wanted pictures.

I went to my scrapbook and I knew I had these pics from the day I was adopted. My first thought was ...WHAT??? COLTS FANS? Lol, I had no idea!!

 This is the day I met my mom. This is the day my mom met me. Seems strange. Most parents and children don't meet this way.  I've always thought about this day...someone hands my mom a complete stranger...and it's love at first sight? When you have children, you spend 9 (or 7) months physically bonding with these kids. You feel all the feels...literally. Whether it's hourly barfing or pelvic separation pain, or braxton hicks that take your breath away...or those first moments when you see the hearts, see the alien heads, see them already fighting....😆

WARNING: From here on out, I skip around and ramble and although I'm speaking from the heart, I'm feeling torn between saying how I'm feeling and how I feel I SHOULD be feeling. I'm confused.

 I had the most wonderful, thought provoking, emotional conversation with a couple today, who adopted twin girls. Conversations with them always make me think. A lot. The things they say definitely make me think about feelings on the other side of adoption...not just about myself, the adoptee, but the adopters. I love them for being so open and honest and wanting to ask me questions and understand more from my side. I appreciate being able to ask them questions without feeling like I have to guard what I'm saying.

I have heard parents, who have both biological kids and adopted kids, say "I love my kids the same." I have always had an issue with that. But after talking to my friends today, I discovered maybe I have more of an issue with those choice of words, not with the sentiment. I feel like my mom ABSOLUTELY loves her kids equally; so why the issue?   I just can't imagine it's the same. I can't imagine that you can feel the same way growing a child in your body vs someone handing you a child at the airport. I do believe you can love these children equally...but those memories and feelings( in either situation)...it must evoke different feelings, right?

I've never wanted to adopt kids. I always thought, how could I love a child that's not mine? (and then after having kids) ...as much as my own children? AND THIS IS COMING FROM AN ADOPTED KID! Then I started thinking, well, maybe I'm the perfect person to adopt because I could empathize with the child and be able to tell them that I actually DO love him/her the same (who am I kidding, it would be a her. HAHAHA). BUT then, in the back of my mind, I still think, but what if it's NOT true?  I know many people who have adopted their children and I have NO doubt that they love their children 100%.  I have no doubt that many of these parents have prayed for these children, shed so many tears before these children and have shed tears of joy and happiness for these children. They love these children like they were their own. I mean, my friend's kids look just like her and they're adopted. I forget they're adopted from time to time. And I'm sure many people do not even know (advantage of international adoption...that conversation is pretty unnecessary).*** So backtrack a few sentences. I feel like it's offensive/insensitive to even type "like they were their own". I contemplated deleting it many times.  Of course the kids are theirs. Of course my mom is my mom and my family is my family. But I'm trying to be real (ha, that's ironic since it's the word "real" that I find most obnoxious when people inquire about my "REAL" family. 

Is it wrong to wonder about a time before you met your parents? Is it wrong to wonder what they look like, why it happened? Side note,  it's not my place to share my friend's story, but he brought up an entire side from the adoptive parent that I've NEVER even thought about and it blew my mind!! I'm just trying to have an open dialogue (with myself in my craftroom, I suppose); I knew today's post would be especially rambly. Whew...it's all just so...I don't even know what to think. I know my mom loves me. I believe that my biological mom loved me so much that she wanted a better life for me. Or do I? I want to believe that. I don't know that I always believe that. Sometimes I feel guilted into feeling that (why is that word highlighted red?), sometimes I feel better about being adopted feeling that, sometimes I don't feel that. I'm not expecting to get big answers from my trip. But just taking the trip is acknowledging that there was life before I met my mom...my real mom, btw. HAHA

Oh, so today, my Sunday School director prayed for me and my trip. I told the class I was going on the trip and that I'd never been to Korea before. As he prayed, he said "she's returning to this place she's been before", and I was like "that's weird...I said I'd never been there"...and then I realized that WHOA...I have been there before. So now I have to change it to "I've never been back since I was born there". So strange because just like I had never thought I'd be BORN, I never thought about being in Korea, even though obviously both are true.

I end with this poem an adoptee posted today, and with a special HAPPY Mother's Day wish to my mom. I'm so glad God placed it on your heart to adopt and that it was me who you met at the airport that day. I'm so glad that you get to live close by (haha) so that I can show you what I buy at Joann's on a regular basis, so I can come in a sit down on your couch and talk, so that you can be a part of our daily lives. Thank you for coming to all of my concerts, FOREVER, and for putting your children first while you worked, took care of others, coached, and went to school. I don't even know how you did it all!!! You are the REAL deal!! 💓

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember
The other you call mother.

Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears.
One gave you up
It was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child
And God led her straight to you. (Anonymous)