Do You Remember, I Wonder...

It's July 7...one month since I took off for Korea, 40 years since I was dropped off at the Holt Agency.

For as many years as I can remember, I've always thought about my birthmom on my birthday. Before I became a mom, it was really the only day of the year that I thought much about being adopted. This year, knowing some more information about her and my first few days of birth, I was much more affected by it. I had an AMAZING day, which started off with a portable party...literally a "party in a bag" brought to me by my wonderful friend, along with breakfast, more coffee, lunch, the most beautiful charms from friends and family, the best and longest massage I've ever had in my life, celebrating at ITZ and then seeing Spiderman into the next day...I believe this was all very necessary to keep my mind occupied.

Because when I woke up, I was sad. Sad to think about the circumstances that surrounded my birthday and the following day. After reading letters from birthmoms to their children, I wondered so many thoughts about my bmom. Did she hold me or was it too hard? Was it her choice or did she have no choice? Did she cry, think about me for days/weeks/years after? Did she ever sit down and write me a letter? Did she do it to give me a better life or was it just out of shame? She should have received the second telegram by now, just a few days before my birthday. Did she connect that I was the "foreigner" trying to get in touch with her? Does she want to get in touch with me but can't? Will she ever? Does July 6th hold a special place in her heart for me like it does in my heart for her?

 I felt like I needed to put my feelings into words, but I didn't have any paper, and the thoughts were all sort of random and swirling around in my head. They still are chaotic, but I'll sit here now and try anyways.

Do You Remember, I Wonder

 Do you remember when                                       I wonder when
you found out that day                                           you heard from me
were you happy, were you scared?                        was it with happiness or fear?

Do you remember what                                          I wonder what
it felt like when I kicked                                        feelings you have
those movements that we shared?                          on my birth day every year.
Do you remember how                                          I wonder how
your heart be faster                                                your heart has healed
when we met, did we meet?                                  there was no other way, for sure?

Do you remember who                                          I wonder who
I am?                                                                      you are
Such short moments, bittersweet.                          longing to know you more.

Do you wonder where                                            I remember where
I've been                                                                 I came from,
wanting to reach out?                                             the sacrifice you made
days of searching faces,                                         thinking of you forever
nights of crying out?                                              the love will never fade.

Ooooh, I do like that. I love it, in fact!

Anyways, back to yesterday... I felt like I wanted to cry as I thought of all of these questions. But you know when I did cry? When I opened this charm from my mom. I'd never seen it before, and it is probably the most special charm I could ever receive. I have it placed in the very center of my bracelet because without being born in my mom's heart, I wouldn't be me.

 Perhaps my bmom will be able to respond to me someday. Perhaps, we'll meet someday. The trip to Korea changed me. I miss it and I want to go back. A fellow adult adoptee from the trip said it best...I don't want to live there, I just wish I could go back and forth more easily. I don't use chopsticks now, I haven't learned any new Korean words, but I have a new sense of belonging to a place that was more myth than real.

Thank you to everyone who made the trip possible, thru prayer, financial aid, and emotional support. Here's to the next 40 years!