Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

It's Aug 6...kinda...okay, it's actually Aug 7 but really early in the morning. It's a BIG day! First of all, it's 11 months until my birthday!! haha. Secondly, it's my favorite ex neighbor's birthday!! Happy Bday Dao...miss you so much (even though you only live 8 minutes down the road). And 3rd, it's been 2 months since I was about to leave for Korea so I figured it was a good time for an update to the blog.

(BTW, we just got back from a great trip to the beach so I interrupt this blog to post some pics of my cutie family!!)

Okay...back to the issues.

Oh wait...the title of the post. So on the way to the beach, we had to take two cars because my brother and nephew came and the ultra cool minivan only held 6 people plus ALL THE STUFF and I drove the car with Maddie and ALL THE REST OF THE STUFF. Mads brought her ukulele and she played (the 4 chords she knows) and I sang...not well at all. We recorded and it's SO embarrassing, I didn't even post...and I post LOTS of embarrassing stuff. Anyways, we tried really hard on Over the Rainbow, but still...no one wants to hear it. As I was singing, I kept thinking of Korea...that there was a place that I longed to be...it really was a dream come true to visit. Sometimes it seems like a dream, that it never happened.

Now, back to the issues.


Lots of people who haven't seen me recently ask me about my trip. With school starting Wednesday (WHAT????), I'm sure lots more people will ask. The answer that I keep coming up with is that I miss it...that I want to go back...that I wish it was more accessible and that I could visit when I felt the urge to...which would probably be every few months at least. Yes, every day I check my email several times a day, and even though I may not be thinking of it directly, I'm a bit sad that the adoption agency hasn't contacted me that my biological mom has contacted them.  I recently took a DNA test and sent it in. I got the 23 and me test for a good deal on Prime Day, but then got offered a free test, but now I'm hearing that 23 and me was probably a better test (with a bigger pool) so maybe I'll still try that one. It should be 3-4 weeks before I get results. I don't even know what kind of results to except so we'll see.

In the meantime, I've joined a few FB groups...Korean American Adoptees, Houston KADS, and Instant Pot Community (ooooh yes, I LOVE my instant pot...see pics...yum!!). It's quite eye opening, and tonight, I found a few really interesting posts...about adoptees, that is.

 First, was an article about a flight of 155 babies that came over on a flight thru Holt. That's amazing! So there's a spreadsheet for people to fill out to see if they can find travel buddies.It was fun to read all the people's names and a brief story and continue to realize that I'm really not alone in my experience.

Next (and I was JUST talking to someone about this the other day) was an entire post about SWEAT and EARWAX!

And then to read the thread/comments...everyone sounded like me. "wore it once", "never wear it", "don't need to".... So in case anyone wants to know (or even if you don't), I have a bar of Ban Clear that I've had since middle school. I never wear it, except I used to wear it before a concert (when I started teaching) because it smelled so good and it was kinda like "dressing up". HAHAHA. Also, I usually shave at least twice a year, and I realized the other day that I didn't even shave on my special 40th birthday!! I also used to before my Christmas concert...but I didn't last year so it's probably been over a year? Yeah, I don't have amazing hair (on my head), but I have amazingly slooooow growing, smooth and pretty much unnoticeable hair on my legs.

There are always posts like ...

these are posts that don't show up on my regular FB feed. It's VERY cool, and I feel connected to all these people I don't even know. The other day, a girl wrote a very emotional post. She talked about how every year on her birthday, she and her mom celebrate this very special day, but how over the past two years, she has learned that many adoptees do not have this wonderful experience with adoption and how these groups have opened her eyes to understand more about adoption/adoption experience. She went on to say that she does not feel differently about her mom at all...just realizes there's more out there to learn about and to feel and to get in touch with. That's how I've been feeling since I took my trip. Looking forward to meeting the Houston KADS.

Well, sorry for the TMI in this post (but generally my writing is filled with TMI, so you're probably used to it if you've gotten this far).

Thanks for the continued support of my journey!!!

Do You Remember, I Wonder...

It's July 7...one month since I took off for Korea, 40 years since I was dropped off at the Holt Agency.

For as many years as I can remember, I've always thought about my birthmom on my birthday. Before I became a mom, it was really the only day of the year that I thought much about being adopted. This year, knowing some more information about her and my first few days of birth, I was much more affected by it. I had an AMAZING day, which started off with a portable party...literally a "party in a bag" brought to me by my wonderful friend, along with breakfast, more coffee, lunch, the most beautiful charms from friends and family, the best and longest massage I've ever had in my life, celebrating at ITZ and then seeing Spiderman into the next day...I believe this was all very necessary to keep my mind occupied.

Because when I woke up, I was sad. Sad to think about the circumstances that surrounded my birthday and the following day. After reading letters from birthmoms to their children, I wondered so many thoughts about my bmom. Did she hold me or was it too hard? Was it her choice or did she have no choice? Did she cry, think about me for days/weeks/years after? Did she ever sit down and write me a letter? Did she do it to give me a better life or was it just out of shame? She should have received the second telegram by now, just a few days before my birthday. Did she connect that I was the "foreigner" trying to get in touch with her? Does she want to get in touch with me but can't? Will she ever? Does July 6th hold a special place in her heart for me like it does in my heart for her?

 I felt like I needed to put my feelings into words, but I didn't have any paper, and the thoughts were all sort of random and swirling around in my head. They still are chaotic, but I'll sit here now and try anyways.

Do You Remember, I Wonder

 Do you remember when                                       I wonder when
you found out that day                                           you heard from me
were you happy, were you scared?                        was it with happiness or fear?

Do you remember what                                          I wonder what
it felt like when I kicked                                        feelings you have
those movements that we shared?                          on my birth day every year.
Do you remember how                                          I wonder how
your heart be faster                                                your heart has healed
when we met, did we meet?                                  there was no other way, for sure?

Do you remember who                                          I wonder who
I am?                                                                      you are
Such short moments, bittersweet.                          longing to know you more.

Do you wonder where                                            I remember where
I've been                                                                 I came from,
wanting to reach out?                                             the sacrifice you made
days of searching faces,                                         thinking of you forever
nights of crying out?                                              the love will never fade.

Ooooh, I do like that. I love it, in fact!

Anyways, back to yesterday... I felt like I wanted to cry as I thought of all of these questions. But you know when I did cry? When I opened this charm from my mom. I'd never seen it before, and it is probably the most special charm I could ever receive. I have it placed in the very center of my bracelet because without being born in my mom's heart, I wouldn't be me.

 Perhaps my bmom will be able to respond to me someday. Perhaps, we'll meet someday. The trip to Korea changed me. I miss it and I want to go back. A fellow adult adoptee from the trip said it best...I don't want to live there, I just wish I could go back and forth more easily. I don't use chopsticks now, I haven't learned any new Korean words, but I have a new sense of belonging to a place that was more myth than real.

Thank you to everyone who made the trip possible, thru prayer, financial aid, and emotional support. Here's to the next 40 years!

Do you see what I see?

I went to sleep at 4am Sunday morning, but I still got up in time to take a shower, get some coffee and get to church a few minutes early to practice this ridiculously hard (for a Sunday morning) piece that I'd played once a few weeks ago.

During the church service, I was remembering my previous church experience in Seoul, and I was surprised by my feelings... that I was missing looking out into a sea of Korean faces. 10 days ago, I would not have been able to distinguish a Korean person from a Chinese/Japanese or other Asian person, and perhaps today was luck, but I looked into the balcony and saw a lady and just knew she was Korean! I wanted to attend the Korean Sunday School class, even though I knew I wouldn't understand anything they were saying. After the service, I got to talk to Debbie B and show her pics and videos of Ka-Eun, my masked beauty and then I headed to the Harvesters class where the Korean class meets before they split up. It was a small class, and they were so kind and inviting and I told them my story and I got to hear a bit about them. From time to time during the class, they'd stop and explain why something was funny, ask me about the lesson, give me a chance to read the verse they were reading. It was a joy just to sit and listen. I'm not sure I'll go again...perhaps I just needed to ease back into society void of the Korean majority, but I was glad to have this opportunity.

After church, I got back into my groove...went to Aldi, got home and watched the girls swim, took a nap...and then the girls came home :)

They thought all the presents were "SO CUTE" and now they want to go to Korea too! Maybe some day :)

We spent the rest of the day together, went out for dinner at 9:30pm and then acted crazy together, well into the night. This is the first time we've all been together for 11 days. It was loud and fun!!

This is a bit of a taste of the craziness!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbCKQhbFRas

There's no place like home, Part II

I started this blog on May 6, 2017 and now I'm finishing it. Lol, not for good, I suppose because there will probably be reflection posts, and some day maybe even a trip part 2, but for now, I'll finish up the trip.

Last night (or a few nights ago...it's all very confusing) I finished my blog after the Farewell Dinner, and I was so tired, I actually took a little and woke up around 11:45pm to finish packing. (This was Fri night). I woke up around 5am on Sat to get ready. We left at 5:45 am and headed to airport. It was an hour drive. Got to the airport and it was already crowded. It took about an hour to check in, and go thru security. Even though I didn't get a clear pic, I'm glad I didn't bring my kimchi or redbean paste cuz it wasn't allowed! haha

 Then I had some time to kill so I walked around afound a few last minute souvenirs (whew, finally found a magnet for Todd and a beautiful mug for my mom, so pretty that I got one for me too!) I also got a pretty nasty "rice stick" at dunkin donuts. Lol, it wasn't bad after the initial shock of the weird taste went away. Hahaha, that's what my friend told me about kimchi.

 Boarded the plane and kept my fingers crossed as time passed and no one sat beside me. It was awesome and made the trip go so much faster. I slept a few times with my legs up on the second seat...almost like I just on a couch. I watched Loving and Ballerina (which was SO good...and the girl's music box had the symbol I had on my arm (from the tattoo at the Art Box).

what was the fruit? Not sure, but I ate it.

as we got ready to land, the clouds looked so puffy!!

we were late because we took a detour (while I was sleeping) to avoid volcanic ash, so I was told by the airforce guy sitting a seat over from me.

We landed at 9:27am Sat morning (which is BEFORE I actually took off, hahahaha) and I went thru all the stops...and there's this beauty shot of me! haha Waited forever at baggage and I finally got to leave the airport. Since I was at the airport, it wasn't as full on caucasian people as I made it out to be on my post, but I'm sure the next public place I go, I'll be like WHOA!! At the airport, there were a few blond ladies as I was leaving, and it was striking...I realized I hadn't seen anyone that blond for over a week! Then I got see Todd and Lexi and it was like I hadn't missed a day :)

Got home and sorted the gifts (that took a LONG time) and I stayed awake for awhile. The girls helped me take off my compression socks, as I pretty much could use all the help I could get.

my pretty gifts from the little girls

I fell asleep at 1pm and considered setting my alarm, but I didn't and so...I woke up at 8pm. HAHA. Sami made me Ramen and delivered it to me with chopsticks that I can actually use!

Then I tried sorting and unpacking some more...got mail opened...and sat down to write this. It's 1:45am (which is like old almost noon) but I'm thinking I'll still be able to fall asleep in a bit. Then we'll see how it is to wake up to go to church in the morning :)

Thank you all for reading my blog and cheering me on during the trip!! I honestly have told all the stories there are to tell in these posts, as I shared every detail of the packed days  (perhaps too much for some of you! lol). I will take some days (months, years?) to process what just happened, and I'm sure I'll share more in days to come. I'll continue to eagerly wait for the email from Holt, to see if my birth mom ever reaches out to me, after receiving their telegram that "a foreigner is looking for you"...seriously, would you answer that telegram if you got something like that? me neither. If it is meant to be, it will happen. Requested to join the Korean adoptees group in Houston and maybe someday, if there's another trip with a group of people like me, I'll be back on the plane again.

To Erika, Tiffany, Alex, Joe, Ali, Taylor, what a joy it was to experience this trip with you. To be able to have a bond before we even met...to have a group who understood what it's been like to grow up as an adoptee with a loving family but be treated differently in school/get asked those PAINFUL questions like "where are you FROM" on a daily basis and not have to explain how that feels... it was priceless.

To the moms on the trip, thank you for opening up to me and describing the moments when you met your kids...the love in your eyes as you spoke about this 20-40 years later...meant so much to me.

To all of my friends and family, I loved reading all of your encouraging words every day!! You kept me sharing, thru my snail like computer issues, which I know will be so important in the future as I am recalling my trip.


To those who made this trip possible with financial support, your generous support is appreciated so much, more than I can ever show. This trip was life changing and I hope sharing this blog made you feel like you were a part of the trip every step of the way!

And to all the moms in my life...to the one who gave me life and who loved me enough to give me the opportunity to have a better life than perhaps she was able to provide, to the one who started my life from day two, loved me for 6 months, raised me with her 4 sons and nourished me physically, mentally, and emotionally,  to the one who changed me from a file and a photo into a daughter, wife and mother...helping to create a YOUNG lady who is happy, talented, creative, loves her own family, and has the strength to come full circle with your support...and has a strong preference for Hello Kitty.